Reflections

By now, most know that my Angel went to the Lord. Her stay on earth was brief. However, the mark that she has made on the world is everlasting. I will not detail my every thought, feeling, and emotion regarding my baby on this blog post. Everything that I feel has already been said, written, thought, and prayed and is very personal between myself and my child. And know that there will never be a moment that I am not thinking of her and thankful for the honor of being her mother. I have no idea why this happened. But I trust in God that there is a reason and a purpose.

In the aftermath of her loss, I was so blessed to have a solid “sisterhood” of women to step up and show me how much they cared and loved my family. I will however say that it was disappointing that my pageant sisterhood did not do the same. On the day of my baby’s passing, I was supposed to give up the title of “Mrs. Delaware 2011”. Grief-stricken, I was unable to attend the event. I say that this “sisterhood” let me down because not only did a very small percentage of the "sisterhood" reach out with words of condolences, but the Mrs. Delaware Organization/Directorship has yet to reach out as well. No cards. No texts. No emails. Nothing. As wives and mothers, I honestly expected some form of communication from an organization that prides itself on being a family.

My year as Mrs. Delaware was very special and I truly used the year to make a small difference in any way that I could. I was not the type of Mrs. Delaware that aspired to attend Galas and Parades and enjoy the local celebrity status. While I did a limited number of those things, they were not the events and causes that I personally championed and set up for myself. I was the kind of Mrs. DE that got my hands dirty. My husband often poked fun at the fact that he would have to force me to put on my crown (some appearances, it just wasn’t appropriate) and to slow down long enough to merely take a picture. One of my Mrs. America pageant sisters put things in perspective when she expressed to me that my service and dedication to my platform was widely known across the country and that I was a “highly visible” Mrs. DE. I didn’t expect or care if people noticed because my work was for a higher purpose. But it did in a way make me feel good that my outreach efforts were admired.

Unfortunately, the Mrs. Delaware Organization was never an advocate of supporting my reign. In fact, the organization made it very clear from the beginning that they would not support me and did not desire me as their queen. I have no idea why this is the case. Because any personal issues were never brought to my attention like professionals do. Instead, I received retaliation with no basis. No need to go into every detail and tell every story of all of the things that exemplified the organization’s disdain, because in spite of the organization, I had an AMAZING time and am still to this day humbled and grateful for the experience! As a professional, no matter what is going on behind the scenes, you do your job and you do it well. But as a person, no one was going to stop me from enjoying every moment of something that I rightfully earned.

My farewell video says that this year was the “best year of my life”. And it was. But my last day as Mrs. Delaware will always be the darkest day of my life. The hardest thing most women will ever endure is the loss of a child. Despite personal feelings towards me, a simple “I’m sorry this happened” would have sufficed. Instead……silence! As a mother for only 12 hours, I can’t understand how another mother could be so dismissive. But in my month of reflection, I can truly see that some people do not have the ability to step outside of themselves and truly care for those around them. Character isn’t defined by how you treat your friends. But it is how you treat your enemies when they are down as well.

I am blessed to have learned some major life lessons through this loss. So many people have exceeded all expectations and been there for my family in ways that are so humbling. And some people have not lived up to expectations. Just as I had so many plans for my baby here on earth, I learned that life can defy your plans and expectations. I always held the belief that all people are good. I still believe that. But now I see that some aren’t at a stage in life where they are capable in showing their goodness and grace no matter what. All I can do is pray for them and be thankful that I am constantly growing and learning through all of life’s experiences.

My blog has always been a way of me sharing my so-called “random thoughts” and this is one of them. Some may wonder, why not just call the Organization and tell them how you feel. But in my eyes, why even dignify them with a phone call? I am purging all ill-feelings and all malice through my written word. Harboring these feelings keeps you emotionally stagnant and is not a God-like way to live. As I publish this post, all of these feelings are released from me and I can move on and continue to be the best professional, wife, mother, friend, advocate, volunteer, and former Mrs. Delaware that I can be!

I wish you all Love and Light!